Fairy Tale
by cresselia8themoon
Summary: Milo and his classmates are putting on a play! What could possibly go wrong?
1. Act 1

This story is part of the His World series, but since it's a 3 parter I'll be posting it as a separate series on FFN. Big thanks to  wiz-witch on Tumblr for suggesting this one! Enjoy!

* * *

This was her playwright debut! It was no Broadway, but the best had to start somewhere. "Lydia, are you okay?" Amanda asked in concern. A pencil poked out from her dark hair. She carried a clipboard with every act planned down to the finest detail.

"I'm fine, Amanda. Just butterflies. Do you think the kids will like it?" Lydia wondered, chewing her lip. "I know I've acted in plays before, but this is the first one I've ever written and performed! What if they hate it?"

Amanda peeked out at the audience from behind the curtain. Elementary school children fidgeted as their parents tried to keep them distracted until the play began. "I think some of them are bound to enjoy it. Besides, you've worked hard on this over the past several months. It's time to see others value all your efforts."

"You can do it, Lydia!" Melissa cheered.

Chad blushed. "I'm not really used to acting, but I promise to do my best."

"Screw your courage to the sticking place, as Mac-oomph!" Everybody pounced on Milo to prevent him from saying his name.

"Thanks for the encouragement, guys," Lydia smiled, removing her hand from Milo's mouth. "Get out there and figuratively break a leg! But please avoid damaging the sets if possible."

"Yeah!" they yelled, scrambling to take their positions.

Lydia stepped out, almost tripping on the curtain. She caught herself, tapping the microphone to check the sound. _So far, so good_ , she thought. "Hello, everybody!" she announced. They were staring at her. Why were they staring at her? "Um, my name is Lydia Brooks, and I wrote the play you lovely folks will be seeing tonight." She looked over at Amanda, who nodded encouragingly. Gaining confidence, she continued. "And without further ado, I present Act 1 of _Fairy Tales_!"

The curtain rose halfway before stopping. "It's jammed!" Amanda grunted. Lydia ran backstage to help her with the ropes. After several minutes, they finally managed to get it working.

 _Act 1: Hansel and Gretel_

Milo and Melissa were dressed in 19th century German costumes. Lydia had discovered the hard way that Melissa's hair was impossible to contain in braids, so she stuck a cap on her and called it a day instead. Milo liked the lederhosen at least.

Tree cutouts littered one side of the stage, while a wooden house stood on the other. Zack and Crystal, playing the parents, nervously took their positions in the center. Milo and Melissa sat down in front of the house, quietly playing a game of patty cake while they pretended to not listen.

"How are we supposed to feed our children and ourselves when we cannot afford food?" Zack asked, twirling a prop axe in his hands. "Woodcutting does not put bread on the table anymore." He yelped when the axe head fell off, leaping into Crystal. She blushed furiously, twiddling her fingers.

"Lydia, next time we do a play, take crushes into account," Amanda said, jotting something down on her clipboard.

Crystal backed away from Zack. "We shall take them into the deepest part of the forest…." She trailed off, fiddling with her skirt. Lydia motioned for her to continue, mouthing 'louder'. Crystal looked up, her eyes fixated on a spot on the far wall of the auditorium. "We shall take them into the deepest part of the forest and give them each a piece of bread. We can carry on our duties and leave them alone, and they won't be able to find their way home again. We shall be rid of them."

Melissa buried her head in Milo's shoulder. Milo patted her back.

"I will not do that," Zack crossed his arms, frowning. "I do not wish them to be eaten by wild animals."

"Then all of us shall die of hunger," Crystal replied.

"Very well. At dawn tomorrow we shall carry out this wicked plan," Zack bowed his head. They exchanged places with Milo and Melissa. Zack closed his eyes, lying down and pretending to sleep. Crystal did the same, but faced the opposite direction so the audience couldn't see her face.

"He changed his mind quickly," Amanda muttered.

"Save the commentary for later," Lydia whispered.

"We are as good as dead, Hansel!" Melissa cried.

"Not to worry Gretel!" Milo exclaimed. "I have the solution right here!" He dug around in one pocket, only to come up empty. "Here?" A marble slipped out, rolling across the stage and hitting a cardboard tree. It fell over, knocking down two others as well.

"Destroying all the trees around the house seems like a better idea than pebbles," Melissa smirked.

"Stick to the script, Melissa!" Lydia hissed.

"Better safe than sorry! I'll sneak out and gather a new batch of pebbles tonight, and when they take us to the forest tomorrow I'll create a path that shall lead us home!" Milo exclaimed. He quickly exited the stage."I don't have the pebbles," he said to Lydia.

Mort produced a huge jar of rocks. "I bought all this rose quartz at the museum. You can borrow them."

Lydia and Amanda sighed in relief. "You're a lifesaver," Lydia breathed.

"Thanks, Mort!" Milo opened it, pulling out many small pieces of rose quartz. He reached in to get more, but then his fist wouldn't pop out. "I think I have some lubricant in my backpack," Milo said, giving up on simply tugging his hand loose.

"We don't have time! Just deal with it!" Lydia shoved Milo onto the stage. Milo looked back at her, puzzled. Lydia pointed to Melissa, who was tapping her foot as she waited.

"Now we can find our way home!" Milo declared, holding out the rose quartz with his free hand. Melissa grinned, and they laid down and went to sleep next to Zack and Crystal.

Mort and Chad walked across the stage with an unfurled banner, displaying a happy sun surrounded by glitter and stickers.

"What happened to the sun and moon props?" Amanda asked.

Lydia gave her a look. "Sure, let's put big, heavy objects above our heads with Milo around and expect nothing to happen."

"I can do without the sarcasm," Amanda muttered.

Crystal was the first to rise. She shook Melissa and Milo awake. "Get up. We must fetch wood to keep warm tonight." She tossed two pieces of bread at Melissa. "This is all you'll have for dinner. Use it wisely." Melissa tucked the bread under her apron, nodding.

 _Crystal is way too quiet. Can they hear her in the back?_ Lydia thought.

Milo poked Zack. He snored. "He's really asleep," Melissa said.

Lydia was about to burst, but Amanda handed her a paper bag. "It helps," she shrugged.

"Dad? Daddio? Zack? Hacky Zacky?" Milo continued poking him, but Zack turned over, completely oblivious to the rest of the play.

"WAAAAAAKKKKKKE UUUUUPP!"

"Ah!" Zack shrieked. "I'm up! What's going on?"

Milo and Melissa slowly uncovered their ears. Lydia's face split in a wide grin. "So she does have some lungs in her!" she exclaimed, hugging Amanda.

"Oy vey, I can hear the bells of Notre Dame," Amanda said dizzily.

The audience seemed to love it, some people standing and shouting in admiration of Crystal's scream.

Crystal took a deep breath. "It is dawn," she continued in a much stronger voice.

"Oh, right," Zack said. "Well, come along then."

"Mort, Chad," Lydia said. "Get into positions to rearrange the trees. And has anybody seen Bradley? He'll be on soon."

"I'll look for him. Hold my clipboard," Amanda thrust her clipboard at Lydia and left to check the dressing rooms.

With every couple steps, Milo paused and dropped pieces of rose quartz, looking back at the house. "Hansel, what are you doing?" Zack asked. "You are wasting time."

"Looking at the house, Father. Can I say goodbye to my kitten?" Milo snorted. "Sorry, can't get used to calling you father."

"Neither can I," Melissa added. "We know you two are hoping we die of starvation and our bones picked clean by wolves. Joke's on you, cause some guy I've never met before gonna come waltzing outta the woods after you abandon us and be inexplicably attracted to me for nothing but my looks and he'll take us to his castle and after I tell him how we were mistreated he'll have guards scour the kingdom and hunt you down. And due process doesn't exist yet so you'll probably be sentenced to a really horrible death."

"Stick. To. The. Script," Lydia ground out through gritted teeth.

"Anyway," Crystal cleared her throat after a great pause. "Fool. That is just the morning sun that peeks over the chimney."

Milo and Melissa sat in the middle of the "forest", the other actors moving the trees to hide their views of the house. They bit into the bread, only to find it was stale. "Stale bread? You gave us stale bread?" Melissa complained.

"We're supposed to be poor, Gretel," Milo reminded her. "And tired." He let out a wide yawn. "Good night."

After waiting for Mort and Chad to pass with a night banner, Melissa said, "It's night, Hansel. How are we supposed to find our way home?"

"We follow the rose quartz path!" Milo exclaimed, pointing to the trail. "Follow the rose quartz path! Follow, follow-"

"Hansel, the wild animals hate song parodies. Remember?" Melissa asked.

"Right, got carried away there. But our persistence and body odor have paid off and we're home at last!" Milo ran up to the house, knocking on the door.

Zack answered. "Children, you're back!" he opened his arms for a hug, and Milo gladly took the offer. Zack's eyes nearly popped out from the force of Milo's squeeze.

Melissa held back. "You are a horrible father." She tried to hide her giggles.

Crystal forced a smile. "Why were you asleep so long in the forest, you naughty children?"

"You'd be surprised at how comfy a pile of leaves and a bundle of sticks can be since you oh so kindly abandoned us," Melissa replied.

"I need a word with you," Crystal said, grabbing Zack and shooing them away.

"Sure, go ahead and discuss how you'd like to murder us and deflect attention to a mysterious cause," Melissa shrugged. She and Milo busied themselves with a game of rock-paper-scissors.

"You are one evil stepmom," Zack said, keeping his voice low.

Crystal chuckled. "This is kind of fun once you get into it," she whispered. She cleared her throat. "Anyway, we'd better take them deeper in the woods tomorrow so they'll never find their way back. We must be able to feed ourselves."

"I do not wish to abandon them again," Zack said.

Crystal's face scrunched up. "Do it or we shall both starve."

Zack shrugged. "Okay, whatever you say."

"Hansel, now what are we to do?" Melissa cried.

"The same thing we did last night," Milo said. "I'll just drop more rose quartz and…we're locked in."

"We're dead," Melissa grumbled.

"It's not over until the cuckoo clock breaks," Milo said. "We'll figure it out, Gretel. Don't worry!"

"The morning sun rises like a beacon of death, waiting to doom poor Hansel and Gretel to a-hey, Mort, stop shoving!" Mort slowly pushed a protesting Chad off stage.

Crystal handed Milo and Melissa two smaller pieces of bread. Milo looked back as they walked at the top of the house, stopping every now and then to drop crumbs. "Hansel, you're wasting time," Zack said.

"I was only looking at the duck sitting on top of the house," Milo pointed.

"Fool. That is just the morning duck-oh, there is a duck up there. Never mind then." They watched the duck hop down from his perch and start eating the crumbs.

"I was going to have Zack and Crystal destroy the trail, but okay," Lydia shrugged. "Whatever works."

"Amanda! Stop it!" Bradley complained as Amanda guided him down the hall.

"I won't stop it because this play is very important to Lydia and you play a crucial role in this act so quit being stubborn and wait for your cue!" Amanda growled. "I can always make you do this in heels."

"You wouldn't." Bradley plucked at his black dress sourly.

Amanda straightened his witch hat. "Try me."

"What part are we on?" Bradley asked in resignation.

"Hansel and Gretel being abandoned in the woods for a second time," Lydia replied. She signaled Mort to rearrange the sets. "And a spotlight hogging duck, apparently."

Milo and Zack chased the duck around the stage, but it refused to be caught. The duck took flight, dive-bombing an audience member in the third row. "Not again!" he screamed, dashing out of the auditorium with the duck hot on his trail.

"Sorry, Elliot!" Milo called.

"You're supposed to be fake sleeping," Melissa said.

Milo flopped down and pretended to sleep, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

"How will these poor children survive the night?" Chad cried. "They are but leaves in the wind, resigned to a pitiful existence who-ack!" Amanda located a long hook and snagged Chad's belt loop, pulling him behind the curtains.

Mort worked quickly, wheeling in the woodcutter's cabin and replacing it with the witch's house. Zack offered Bradley a high five, but he declined. Lydia offered Crystal a water bottle. "See? You could do it! Just needed a cast member falling asleep on you!"

Crystal laughed. "I scared myself with that scream too!"

"Bradley, wait to say your lines until Milo and Melissa 'eat' a few pieces of the house," Amanda said.

"Sure," Bradley shrugged. "Let's get this over with."

Lydia frowned at his indifference. "Bradley, if you didn't want to be in this play, how come you never said anything for the past few weeks?"

"Mort convinced me. He was really excited. Theater's not my strong suit, but it never hurts to expand one's skills," Bradley replied.

Milo and Melissa walked in circles, attempting to find the crumb trail. But all their efforts were in vain. "I hope our inevitable deaths are swift and painless," Melissa said.

"Fear not, Gretel!" Milo grinned. "I spy with my little eye a house made of the finest bread and sweetest cakes! First one to sugar crash has to eat an earthworm!"

"Now how did we miss that?" Melissa mused, snapping off a plastic piece of chocolate cake from the window. Milo forgot all the food on the house was fake and bit into cardboard pumpernickel. He spat it out, wiping his tongue on his sleeve.

Then a voice called from the inside of the house. "Stop eating the house or I'll-I mean-who's there?" The door opened, and Bradley stepped out. Milo and Melissa held in their snickers at the sight of Bradley in a dress. He scowled. "It's a robe. Why is your hand stuck in a jar?"

Melissa wiped a tear from her eye. "Sure it is."

Milo tugged on the jar, but it still wouldn't come off.

"Moving on," Bradley rolled his eyes. "Come in, it's been so long since I've had company." Milo and Melissa followed him inside and sat at a large table filled with food themed children's playsets.

"Why didn't you just use real food?" Zack asked.

"My sister has a lot of toys related to the culinary arts," Lydia said. "I just asked to borrow them for the play. Besides, we won't run the risk of allergies this way."

Amanda showed Zack the list of supplies for the first act. "As you can see, Lydia has taken certain artistic liberties by including Play-Doh kits in a story set in the 1800s. Chad, you can be dramatic as you want for this part."

Chad nodded, stepping out to address the audience. "Little did poor Hansel and Gretel know that the old woman who had taken them in and fed them was actually a wicked witch who feasts on any wayward children that may come by. Witches lack good eyesight but have a keen sense of smell."

"No, Hansel!" Melissa cried as Bradley separated them, shoving Milo behind a door and locking it.

"Your job is to handle all the chores around this house," Bradley commanded. "Cook something good for your brother. When he is properly fattened, I shall eat him."

Melissa fell on her knees as she pleaded. "Are you sure you don't want me instead? That jar is going to give you indigestion."

Bradley grimaced. "I'll consider it. Boy, hold out your finger so I may feel if you are fat."

Instead of letting Bradley feel his finger, Milo held up a small bone.

"Four long weeks passed," Chad announced. "as they settled into a painful routine. Gretel cooked and cleaned. Hansel was forced to eat every morsel. The witch grew frustrated as the boy didn't seem to fatten like she'd planned. She had decided to be rid of them once and for all."

Bradley ripped the covers of the bed off Melissa, who moaned. "Just because you're about to eat us doesn't mean you can throw off someone's bed sheets."

"Get up, lazybones," Bradley snapped. "I can no longer wait. Regardless of your brother's girth, I shall kill and eat him tomorrow."

"Not Hansel! He's really unappetizing! And he's been cursed by a different witch at birth to always have horrible luck! So if you eat him, then all that bad luck will transfer to you! Which is a double-edged sword now that I think about it," Melissa wailed.

Bradley grabbed her arm and dragged her to the oven. "I have already heated the oven and kneaded the dough. Crawl in to check if it's properly heated."

Melissa crossed her arms. "What kind of oven is this that I have to crawl in to see if it's heated? Why can't I just check it with my hand?"

"But Gretel was too smart for the witch, and knew she had every intention of cooking her too," Chad narrated.

Bradley hastily made an excuse. "It's a magical oven that gives you visions of unicorns and dragons?"

"I am only a stupid girl who is constantly reliant on a male presence in my life," Melissa replied. "I need a grown man's permission to crawl inside ovens and have an imagination."

The door Milo was locked behind fell down. "That jar did come in useful after all," Milo held up a badly cracked jar. "I definitely owe Mort a few bucks for this."

"That jar had healing properties," Mort sniffed.

Since they couldn't use real flames, Lydia had substituted in red and orange streamers. The thin strips waved wildly in the oven.

"Silly girl, I'll show you how it's done." Bradley was about to stick his head in the oven when the streamers suddenly caught fire. His witch hat fell off in his surprise and burned to a crisp. He caught his breath. "Why? Just why?"

"This is awkward," Zack said.

"Understatement!" Lydia screamed. "This is the first act and the play is already ruined!"

"I'm not so certain about that," Amanda reassured her. "Milo isn't the type of person who would let that happen. And while things may not go according to plan, you might find they have a way working out in the end. Look!"

She directed Lydia's attention to Milo, who dumped a bucket of water on Bradley. "I'M MELTING!" Bradley screeched in horror. "Melting…melting…." He slowly collapsed, grabbing Melissa's apron in desperation.

"And with the witch dead, Hansel and Gretel were free to take all the jewels, pearls, and silk they could possibly carry back home with them. Their wicked stepmother was dead, and their father was overjoyed to-"

Melissa tapped Chad on the shoulder, shaking her head. He nodded. "Change of plan, Hansel! We sure aren't sharing any of this stuff with our spineless fool of a father!" Melissa announced. "Come, let's buy our own house and live in comfort for the rest of our days!"

"Yeah!" Milo cheered. "And with that, we lived happily ever after!"

"We'll be having a ten minute intermission, so keep your eyes peeled for Act 2!" Chad declared with a bow. Bradley stood up and dusted off his dress. Milo and Melissa waved to the audience as the curtain closed.

"Thanks for the inspirational speech, but Act 2 is my chance to shine and I'm still nervous!" Lydia rushed to the dressing room to prepare for her role. "Take over for me!" She called over her shoulder.

Amanda called for a group huddle. "Here's the plan for Act 2…."


	2. Act 2

Suggested by universe-queen-melissa on Tumblr! Strangely picking the fairy tale for Act 2 was tougher. Especially because I needed one that had a female in the main role, but not the kind who chopped off guys' heads because they didn't answer a riddle correctly or something. Picking the tale for Act 3 was much easier.

* * *

Lydia changed quickly, swapping her regular outfit for a ragged gray dress and wooden shoes. She could hear Amanda summarizing Zack and Bradley's tasks backstage, telling them to keep everything structured so everything ran smoothly.

"Can I dry off now?" Bradley asked.

Lydia stifled a laugh. One day she would have to ask Melissa about those doe eyes. They could easily come in useful whenever she had to convince the drama club to follow her lead.

"Go ahead," Amanda replied. "And please refrain from starting musical numbers."

There was a knock on the door. "Just a minute!" Lydia called, stumbling over her wooden shoes. "Dumb shoes." She hated how they threw off her center of gravity, making her stumble on even the tiniest steps.

"Lydia, can I come in? I think I left my hat in here," Chad asked.

Lydia opened the door, almost tripping on a mannequin stand behind her. "Is it the one for the prince costume?" she asked, stepping aside to let him pass.

Chad ruffled through a large cabinet. "Yes, I have no idea where it went." Now that his back was turned to her, she could see the red sash for his prince costume was twisted in the middle.

"Hold still, Chad. Your sash is crooked." Lydia almost fell twice as she made her way towards him. She examined the twist for a few seconds before flipping it to the right, carefully smoothing out the wrinkles.

"Thanks! I found the hat. It was behind the trench coat," Chad moved back, directly into Lydia. She couldn't avoid him in time, and grabbed hold of the nearest object to break her fall. Unfortunately, the nearest object happened to be his sash and she accidentally pulled Chad down with her too.

"Please get off," Lydia wheezed. Chad scrambled off her stomach, reaching down to help her up. He blushed, hiding his face in his hat to cover it.

She was about to ask if there was something wrong, but the door suddenly slammed open. "Lydia, we're starting!" Amanda burst in, grabbing her hand and dragging her to the stage. "The intermission's over!" Lydia mouthed a quick apology to Chad, who shyly smiled back.

Lydia knelt in front of a female mannequin, giving a thumbs-up to signal that she was ready. The curtain rose, revealing the young audience's eager face. She took a deep breath. She could do this.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and-" a tan dog with brown spots sat next to Milo, his tongue hanging out. "Diogee? You're not supposed to be in this play. Go home!" Diogee whined, miserably trudging backstage with his tail in between his legs. "As I was saying, we present Fairy Tale Act 2 to all of you!"

Clearing his throat, Milo began the story. "Once upon a time, a rich man's wife became ill. She called her only daughter to be by her side, wishing for her to remember all she had taught her."

Lydia took out a handkerchief and sobbed. Good thing she could cry on command.

"Then she died," Milo said in a near whisper. He wiped his face on his own shirt. "Sorry. I always get choked up when a parent dies in these kinds of stories. Anyway, one day the girl planted a sapling on her mother's grave. She visited every day even through the bitterly dark, cold winter." He sniffed, wiping a tear from his eye. "It's-it's kinda sweet when you think about it."

Lydia knelt in front of a tombstone, continuing to weep. She threw herself on the tombstone desperately, tightly hugging the cold surface.

"One day, the rich man remarried a widow, and she brought two daughters into their new home," Milo said.

Mort led Crystal out by the hand. They were followed by Melissa and Amanda, who both wore ridiculously large wigs. Mort knelt in front of Crystal, who smirked as he put a ring on her finger.

"Though they were beautiful, their hearts were filled with greed and jealousy," Milo announced.

Melissa gently pushed Lydia, who toppled over as if she'd been forcibly shoved. "Hey, maid girl!" she said tauntingly, thrusting a basket of dirty clothes at her. "Wash this basket and have them ready by evening!" She ducked her head, whispering. "Sorry, Lydia!"

Lydia paused in her crying, glaring at her. "Don't apologize! Chase, if I have to tell you to stick to the script one more time I swear-"

"But we're being really rude," Amanda noted.

"You're the evil stepsisters! Of course you're supposed to be rude! It's just a play, continue!"

Nodding, Amanda jabbed a finger at Lydia. "Maid girl, dust the mantle and ready supper."

As Lydia set the table with wooden bowls, Milo narrated. "Life became difficult by the day. She did all the chores without a kind soul to talk to, washing, cooking, and cleaning without complaint."

Melissa and Amanda tossed peas into the fireplace, then jeered and taunted Lydia as she crawled in and picked them out from the ashes. Lydia cupped ten peas in her palm and threw them in a small wastebasket.

"There was no bed for her," Milo said, his voice soft. "She had to sleep by the hearth by the cinders. Because of this, she was given the name Cinderella."

Lydia coughed, stirring up the cinders. She regretted rejecting Amanda's suggestion of using cotton balls rather than real dust. It clung to her face, staining her skin and leaving gray smudges.

"I'm going to the fair," Mort announced. "What do you wish me to bring back for you?"

"Beautiful dresses and precious jewels," Melissa and Amanda chorused.

Lydia shrugged. "The first twig that brushes your hat on the way home."

"Their father kept his word," Milo said. "He bought dresses and jewels at the fair, and as he rode home a twig knocked his hat off."

"Give that branch back!" A goose fluttered on stage, carrying the prop twig in its bill. It let out a muffled honk, flapping straight towards Amanda. Zack ran on stage with a net, attempting to catch the troublesome bird. Milo pulled Amanda out of the way, getting hit in the face by a webbed foot.

Zack swung wildly, knocking over a table and almost stirring up the ashes in the fireplace. "Guess it's a waterFOWL," Milo joked.

"Jar." Melissa held out a container labelled "Bad Puns", and Milo dropped a dollar into it.

"Zack! Watch where you're swinging that thing!" Lydia ducked, barely avoiding the net.

"I caught it! I caught…Milo?" Milo tried to cut the mesh with scissors, repeatedly snipping at the same spot, and finally cut off one strand.

"Does anybody have a sharper pair? These are safety scissors," Milo asked.

Growing frustrated, Zack yanked the mesh of Milo's head. "This is useless now," he said, dropping the broken net. "Where's the goose?"

"NOT AGAIN! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, MURPHY!" Elliot screamed from the audience, once again exiting the auditorium with an angry waterfowl chasing him.

"I'll refund his ticket," Lydia said once she processed everything. "Later. Let's just get this done."

Zack walked backstage, taking the net with him. Mort, who'd been hiding backstage the entire time the goose was terrorizing everyone, gave the branch to Lydia.

On her knees, Lydia planted the branch in front of the gravestone, silently bowing her head.

"Cinderella wept so much, that her tears watered the ground and soon the branch sprung into a beautiful tree," Milo sniffed, wiping a tear. "I don't know how that works, but it's actually kind of sweet."

Crystal dropped a basket full of dresses in front of Lydia. "A proclamation from the palace, girls," she announced. "There shall be a festival in honor of the Prince. The celebration shall last three days, and in that time he shall seek a bride. All young maidens are invited."

Melissa and Amanda squealed in glee, immediately heaping demand on demand on Lydia. "Mother, may I go too?" she begged.

"You are nothing but a filthy maidservant. The Prince has much more suitable prospects attending," Crystal sneered, crossing her arms.

Not letting up, Lydia continued to plead over the ruckus Melissa and Amanda were causing. Finally, Crystal relented. "You may go on one condition. I have scattered a bowl of lentils among the ashes. If you can pick them all out in two hours, then I shall allow it."

"Pigeons and doves and birds of the sky, help me with this task before I cry," Lydia declared.

Nothing happened.

She cleared her throat. "I said, pigeons and doves and birds of the sky, help me with this task before I cry and COME BACKSTAGE MYSELF."

"The puppets are all tangled," Bradley protested. "They're unusable now."

"So who's gonna help me out with this?" Lydia hissed.

Bradley shrugged. "You could do it yourself and not be lazy about it."

Lydia pouted. Then Diogee emerged from backstage with cardboard wings loosely taped to his sides, barking. He started pawing through the ashes, flicking out the lentils with his long snout. Lydia carefully cupped them in her palms and placed them into a bowl.

Two minutes later, she had an entire bowl of lentils, which she displayed proudly to Crystal. Diogee remained in the fireplace, happily rolling through the ashes. "Mother!" Lydia cried. "I've done what you have asked of me. May I please go the celebration?"

Crystal scoffed. "But you have no suitable clothes, nor have you ever danced. You would embarrass yourself."

"Please?" Lydia begged.

Crystal grabbed two bowls of lentils and threw them into the fireplace. Diogee whined as a few seeds hit his face. "If you can pick all that out in an hour, then I shall allow you to go." As she walked away, she smirked. "You will never be able to do that."

"The good ones go into the pot, the bad ones go into your crop," Lydia recited as Diogee flicked all the lentils out of the fireplace. Once the bowls were filled, she showed them to Crystal once again.

But Crystal only hurried Amanda and Melissa out the door, all decked out in the finest dresses and jewelry. "We would be a laughingstock if we allowed you to come," they said.

Diogee shook himself off, following Lydia to the magnificent tree planted on the tombstone. Well, 'magnificent' was too strong a word. It was just a messy drawing of a tree on cardboard with a chocolate milk stain in the leaves.

"Shake and quiver, little tree. Throw silver and gold down to me," Lydia cried out. She glanced up, watching Bradley carefully make his way across the rafters above her. He hefted a golden dress over the railing and dropped it.

Lydia slipped it on over her clothing, also changing her uncomfortable wooden shoes to a pair of sequined slippers.

"At the festival, the wicked stepsisters and their mother were baffled to see a strange girl dancing with the prince," Milo narrated as Chad bowed. Lydia curtsied back. "But neither the prince nor Cinderella cared."

" _SO SHE SAID WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, BABY?"_

Chad, who was shaking as he took Lydia's hand, jumped back in shock at the sound of loud pop music being blasted from the speakers. Lydia glared at Zack, who quickly switched off the music. "It's not mine," he laughed nervously as he inserted the classical CD he was supposed to use. "Definitely have no idea who owns that."

"So I put my hand here?" Chad chewed his lip, placing his right hand on her shoulder. "I don't dance that well."

"I can lead if you'd like," Lydia whispered. Silently agreeing, Chad looked down to imitate her steps.

"You okay? You were crying a lot," Chad asked.

Lydia swayed from side to side, almost tripping over herself. "Aside from my nerves being fried, I'm fine. I can cry on command."

"I didn't know you could do that. I thought it was real. You're a better actress than people think," Chad said in awe.

She blushed. "Um, thanks? I guess."

"The prince would dance with no other," Milo said. "He refused to let go of her hand the entire time. They danced until evening."

"May I escort you home?" Chad asked.

"No, s-sorry," Lydia stammered, rushing off. She threw off her beautiful dress and switched her shoes so that she looked like nothing more than a simple maid. Then she laid down in the hearth as her family opened the door.

"Similar events transpired during the second day of the festival," Milo said. "No one could recognize Cinderella. The prince grew more curious every minute he spent with her."

When evening fell as Lydia and Chad danced on the third day, she hurried away from the festival. In her haste, she left behind a golden slipper.

"I shall marry the one who can fit into this dainty, golden shoe," Chad declared, holding it up for the audience to see.

"The stepsisters were pleased to hear this, and their mother encouraged them to do whatever it took to fit in the shoe," Milo said.

"This is kind of ironic considering you actually have the largest shoe size out of all of us," Amanda muttered.

"Hey. You two aren't chopping off your body parts," Lydia retorted.

"You are not the true bride!" Chad gasped.

Melissa smirked. "You said the shoe had to fit. You never said it had to be perfect."

"Can I rephrase that statement?" Chad asked.

"Once a prince makes a proclamation, it is law. You must take her for your bride," Crystal said coolly.

"Sorry, Cindy!" Melissa laughed as she led Chad away.

Taken aback by the ending, Milo fumbled with the script as he hastily improvised a closing statement. "Right, so the prince married one of the wicked stepsisters and, um, I guess Cinderella was still stuck in an abusive household. The end."

"There'll be another ten minute break before Act 3, the finale! Don't miss out!" Lydia called as the curtain closed. "Do you think they liked that ending?"

"It was a pretty unique spin on the whole shoe thing. Though I don't think it would be a very happy marriage…." Chad suggested.

"Speculate later," Amanda said. "Let's just try to survive through the next act."


	3. Act 3

_Suggested by_ _arendalphaeagle_ _! And we're to our last chapter! Thanks for reading!_

* * *

Lydia regretted her choice of fairy tale for the third act. She could've gone with something familiar like "Sleeping Beauty" or "Thumbelina" but no, she just had to choose a fairy tale that required every single person to appear on the stage at once.

A surefire recipe for disaster.

Amanda was dressed in a sparkly magenta dress, a pointed cone with a lightweight cloth at the tip perched on her head. A week ago, she had threatened to withdraw from the play if Lydia didn't take out the puffed sleeves on her princess costume. Lydia had balked at that, saying she thought puffed sleeves were cute. However, Amanda eventually convinced her that they were terrible for movement and that the left sleeve didn't hold as much air as the right.

So no puffy sleeves. It was a shame too. She was secretly hoping they would make a comeback.

"I like your dress," Milo blushed, rubbing the back of his head. "It's purple."

"Thanks," Amanda developed an interest in the stairs leading to the tower where she would be staying for the majority of the act. "Um, I really like your-er, boots."

"Remind me to get you a book of compliments," Lydia tugged on Amanda's arm, pointing her up the stairs. "Save the lovey-dovey stuff for later."

Amanda sputtered. "L-lovey dovey! We were just complimenting each other!" She giggled as Milo kept his eyes locked with hers as she was dragged away. He tripped over his backpack, though the grin never left his face as he toppled backwards, giving a thumbs-up.

"Uh-huh," Lydia said, unconvinced. "Remember, you can't laugh until the end of the act!"

"Fine," Amanda nodded. "I will not laugh. I am thinking depressing thoughts."

"What kind of depressing thoughts?" Lydia asked.

"Unorganized schedules, the end of the world, and how I have to put up with my mother's Filipino soap operas," Amanda said.

Lydia winced in sympathy. "Yeah. Girl, how do you stand all that noise?"

"I can't," Amanda muttered. She lifted her dress and carefully walked up the stairs to the top of the tower where she was to stay for the last act. "Think you can handle things without me?"

"Give me more credit. Everything will be just fine," Lydia smirked, signaling Mort. He nodded and raised the curtain.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we present Act 3: Hans, Who Made the Princess Laugh!" Lydia announced proudly. She was just glad the evening was almost over.

She had already regretted her choice in fairy tale. Now the regret was directed towards the narrator.

"Once upon a time, ugh, can we not start with something so cliche?" Bradley groaned.

"Excuse you, Mr. Sunshine, but I poured blood, sweat, and white chocolate mocha on this script," Lydia growled. "Stick to it before you get the hook."

Bradley scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Sure. Whatever you say. There was once a king with a beautiful daughter, you know, the whole blonde hair and blue eyes deal heroes always have in fairy tales."

Chad unfurled a scroll, a crown slipping down his head. "Anyone who can make my somber daughter laugh shall receive half the kingdom and her hand in marriage!"

Amanda stood motionless in the window, her gaze fixated on the far wall. Zack approached the base of the tower, flashing a grin. "I shall make you laugh, dear princess. A witch, an ogre, and a knight walk into a bar and-"

Amanda grunted, a gloved hand resting on her cheek in boredom. "Not the first time I've heard that one. They're all equally terrible. Leave."

"To nobody's surprise, this pattern continued for weeks," Bradley said. "If I was stuck in a tower with nothing but bad jokes from potential suitors, I would be pretty miserable too. The princess remained stoic no matter how many pranks, jokes, and tricks people tried to pull."

"I bet I could make her laugh!" Milo exclaimed.

"Yeah, out of pity," Bradley shot back.

The smile didn't leave Milo's face. "A pity laugh is still a laugh!"

Yawning, Bradley paced around the stage as he narrated, ignoring Lydia's glare. "Hans' father was reluctant to let him go, since he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Furthermore, the princess had to suffer stupid puns at the hands of the elder brothers. Humor doesn't exactly run in the family."

"Please, Father," Milo begged to Mort. "Allow me to visit the palace so that I may try to make the princess laugh."

"Hans, there is no use in trying. It's a lost cause," Mort said.

Bradley coughed. "But because the youngest always wins in these kinds of stories, the father relented and allowed him to go."

Milo bowed to Chad, unable to laughing at the unnecessary formality. "Is it possible to-heh, sorry-get a job here at the palace? I could fetch water and firewood for the kitchenmaid."

Thinking for a moment, Chad nodded. "The extra help would be much appreciated." They shook on the agreement.

"The next day, Hans was distracted by a fish while he was out collecting water," Bradley sighed. "First day on the job and already shirking work." The fish in question was a singing plastic bass that had been torn from the board.

As Milo slipped the bass into a bucket, his fingers accidentally brushed a button and it burst into a screechy rendition of Gitchee Gitchee Goo. Lydia silently smacked her forehead with her palm. She knew she forgot to tear out the voice box.

Melissa carried a model of a golden goose, humming as she passed by Milo. "Excuse me, ma'am," Milo said cheerfully. "Would you like to trade your golden goose for this lovely fish?"

"I'd love to," Melissa smirked. "But this goose's feathers are coated with a magical substance that makes a person stick fast to it. So be warned."

"I get stuck in situations all the time," Milo shrugged, taking hold of the goose. "No worries!"

"In that case, he's all yours," Melissa said, pulling away. But her hands remained stuck to the goose's sides. "Lydia, what did you put on this thing?"

"Superglue," Lydia replied, realizing her mistake too late.

"Why?" Bradley rounded on her. "You know Milo plus sticky substances equals catastrophe!"

"Oops," Lydia rubbed her head sheepishly. "Mind the audience, Bradley."

"Sure," Bradley grumbled. "Hans continued on like nothing happened, and met another woman who wanted the golden goose for herself. Because walking into a town in the middle of the afternoon while carrying golden poultry surely wouldn't attract unwanted attention."

Crystal waved. "Excuse me, good sir. For how much are you willing to sell the golden goose?"

"It's not for sale," Milo explained. "I'm on a mission to make the princess laugh!"

"If you're wasting that valuable piece of waterfowl on a useless mission,you might as well give it to me so I can make some use out of it. A fine price this will fetch!" But when Crystal tried to forcibly snatch the goose, her hands became entangled in the glue as well. "That's some strong glue."

"Along came a man who was angry about the woman stealing his goat and-"

"HOLD IT!"

Bradley paused in his narration, whipping around to glare at Elliot, whose hair was ruffled from the waterfowl chasing him out of the auditorium. The crossing guard folded his arms. "Sir, if you aren't part of the cast, I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate the stage immediately," Lydia ordered.

"I'm up here because this one of your cast members is clearly in violation of the Safety Czar Pact: Article II, Section 5," Elliot pointed an accusing finger towards Milo.

Melissa groaned. "Please tell me he did not just write an official document about his delusions over Milo."

"He did not just write an official document about his delusions over me," Milo repeated. "Though I'm surprised he managed to find the time to do it between helping students cross the street, tracking Murphy's Law on radar, and attending therapy sessions to get over his anatidaephobia. How are those going by the way, Elliot?"

"Going well, I think," Elliot responded. "We've moved on to systematic desensitization. I can go within thirty feet of a duck in a cage without freaking out now and-ugh, why am I even telling you this? The Safety Czar Pact: Article II, Section 5 clearly states that anyone with Murphy's Law cannot carry around models of animals in theaters to prevent incidents in which a live animal mistakes the model for its offspring, mate, rival, or prey."

"But Diogee hasn't mistaken the goose for anything," Lydia protested, feeling a vein pop in her forehead. "My script doesn't call for paranoid volunteer crossing guards to interrupt the act, so sit down before I decide to not refund you at all!"

Elliot threw up his hands. "Fine, don't say I didn't warn you!" As his left hand dropped down, it became stuck to the goose's head. The color drained out of his face. "Um, what did she use on this thing?"

"Superglue," Milo, Melissa, and Crystal chorused.

Breathing heavily, Elliot turned to Milo. "You are waiting in the back to cross the street from now on, Murphy. If I get out of this alive."

"Don't be so dramatic," Melissa muttered.

"After being so rudely interrupted by the village idiot," Bradley continued despite Elliot's indignant noise. "the ragtag group slowly made their way back to the palace, where the royal blacksmith also got stuck."

Zack's hand laid close to Crystal's. She couldn't hide her blush. "There better be a plan to get us unstuck from this mess," Zack muttered.

They stopped at the tower's base. "Princess, I've come to make you laugh!" Milo shouted.

Amanda's giggles turned into full blown laughter. "I've found my future husband!" she called.

Milo blushed. "So you wouldn't mind marrying me even if I'm stuck with the rest of these guys?"

Stifling her laughter for a moment, Amanda grinned. "Nope!"

"Hans indeed received half the kingdom and the princess' hand in marriage. And they got married and lived happily ever after. Good. We're done here," Bradley finished.

"And that concludes Fairy Tale!" Lydia declared. "Come on out and take a bow everybody!"

Everyone who wasn't stuck to the model kept their distance as they bowed to the audience, who stood up and clapped enthusiastically. Lydia looked up, letting out a sigh of relief when she heard some people whistle and shout encouragement.

"So Lydia, what's your next play going to be?" Amanda asked.

Lydia sighed in exhaustion. "It's gonna be about an aspiring playwright and actress who take a break from this mess for a while."

"Sounds like a good plot!" Milo laughed. Diogee popped out of the back with Milo's backpack in his mouth. He set it in front of his owner, rummaging around for something. A small spray bottle rolled out, and Zack picked it up with his free hand, coating the model in the liquid until everyone's hands came loose.

The model clattered to the floor and broke, Diogee leaping upon the neck and shaking his head furiously as he growled it.

"I told you kids it was a violation," Elliot said smugly. "I'll have to-NOT AGAIN!"

"I changed my mind. He is not getting that refund," Lydia said, calmly watching the grand finale of Elliot running away from yet another duck.

"Does anyone else feel like something's missing?" Chad asked.

The curtain crashed behind them, completely destroying the sets from the previous acts.

"That's more like it," Milo said. "Guess we all broke our legs today! Talking in the theater sense of course. That would be bad if someone broke their leg literally."

Lydia was just glad the auditorium was still standing.

* * *

 _And that's the end of this story!_


End file.
